


Unplugged

by franticatlantic



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Borderline Personality Disorder, Josh has Celiac, M/M, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:33:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8372401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/franticatlantic/pseuds/franticatlantic
Summary: "The truest of loves start online these days." - Tyler Joseph





	

**Author's Note:**

> for steph, the josh to my tyler.

Tyler stylizes the titles of all his videos. Lowercase, with a period at the end. His videos tab is filled with titles such as ‘a day in linden park.’ and ‘skeleton jacket diy.’

Josh is a vlogger. His channel is littered with video titles like ‘HOT PEPPER CHALLENGE’ and ‘JAPAN VLOG.’ He puts out a lot of content with his friends and he’s always somewhere new in his daily vlogs.

The most popular video on Tyler’s channel is one entitled ‘i have bpd.’ It has 4.5 million views and upwards of 100,000 comments from random people all over the world telling Tyler how brave he is for talking about such an un-talked about topic. He posted it a year ago and still has comments on it every day when he wakes up.

The most popular video on Josh’s channel is called ‘COMING OUT’. It has 11 million views and upwards of one million comments from people telling him how brave he is for coming out as pansexual and how he’s inspired them to do the same. He posted it 6 months ago and, as far as Tyler can tell, still gets comments on it to this day.

Josh lives in Columbus. Tyler lives in Columbus.

Tyler has never commented on any of Josh’s videos, never followed him on Tumblr or Instagram, has never even subscribed to him on YouTube.

And Josh doesn’t even know Tyler exists.

-

Tyler stalks Josh. Cyberstalks him, technically.

He may not be subbed to Josh’s channel, but that doesn’t keep him from watching every video Josh puts out, meticulously combing through his comments, and just generally being a giant creep on his Insta photos and Facebook page.

Josh is one of the most popular internet personalities in Ohio. The only person who beats him in terms of subscribers is some indulgent asshole Let’s Player from Cincinnati who screams at his camera and throws his controller every time his character dies. Tyler doesn’t think he counts.

Checking Josh’s channel is the first thing Tyler does in the morning, after checking his phone and taking a leak.

Until recently, Josh had a girlfriend. Her name was Debby and Tyler cyberstalked her, too. She had long auburn hair and a nose ring and she wore a lot of plaid. She seemed to be exactly Josh’s type.

Tyler hated her.

Then, about a month ago, Josh uploaded a video, the title of which was his first not in all caps. ‘We Broke Up’. Tyler honest to God grinned through the whole thing, even as Josh sat weepy-eyed and hunched in on himself in front of his camera and explained what had happened.

He called it a mutual decision, but he was so upset Tyler thought that could hardly be the truth.

He doesn’t stalk Debby anymore - now that she’s no longer associated with Josh she doesn’t matter.

-

“Dude, if you don’t put your phone away for like, two seconds I’m gonna throw it in the pickle barrel.”

Tyler holds a finger up, for Mark to just give him _a minute_. Josh just uploaded a new video, one titled ‘DYEING MY HAIR (AGAIN)’. He and his friend Ashley are goofing around in Josh’s bathroom, dyeing their hair blue. Josh is shirtless and Tyler is very hot under his T-shirt.

Josh has had almost every color hair imaginable now. Tyler likes him best with the red.

“On second thought, if you don’t stop watching that guy’s videos altogether, I’m gonna stage an intervention.”

Tapping a finger down on the screen, Tyler glances up at Mark. They’re at opposite ends of the shopping cart, Tyler bent over the handle and Mark with his hands braced on the metal sides. A face off in frozen foods.

He hates when someone points out that he spends most of his time watching Josh Dun through a screen. Not that it’s not true, he just hates it. “I told you I wanted chocolate - what’s taking so long?”

Mark pulls open a freezer door, _tsk_ ing. “Seriously, dude, it’s getting kinda creepy.”

And just like that, Tyler splits. He shoves his phone in his pocket and plays Clair de Lune in his head to keep himself grounded.

Mark leads him down the rest of the aisle and up the next. “Okay, what kinda yogurt did you say you wanted?”

Tyler shrugs, jaw set.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

With a hard shake of his head, Mark bends and scoops up some random yogurt cups, dumps them in the cart. “Whatever. Let’s go.”

Their wait in line is awkward, as is the drive home and the time they spend putting everything away in the kitchen.

“Why the hell do you act like this?” Mark practically barks at him.

Tyler’s already halfway to his room so he just shrugs and slams the door.

For the rest of the night, he tosses fitfully in bed and tries to remember how Clair de Lune goes.

He doesn’t finish Josh’s video and he doesn’t even eat dinner.

He hates himself.

-

The following day is better.

Until it’s not.

He doesn’t apologize to Mark for the way he acted yesterday because he doesn’t feel the need to. After all, Mark is the one who called him creepy. And it wasn’t the first time he’d done it.

He records a new video in the morning - ‘how to love yourself.’ which is basically just him answering questions about depression and BPD and anxiety that he received on Facebook and Tumblr. It’s late afternoon by the time he gets it edited and uploaded and Mark, sounding none too enthusiastic, asks if he’d like to go for lunch with him and Michael.

Tyler agrees, and remembers too late that ‘me and Michael’ never actually just means Mark and Michael. It means Mark, Michael, and at least two other people Mark never tells Tyler he’s inviting.

Today it’s Daniel and another girl Tyler’s never met.

Tyler is quiet. He wouldn’t classify himself as antisocial or rude, just introverted. He wouldn’t even describe himself as shy, but he doesn’t talk very often in group settings. Because of this, people have the tendency to overlook him. Or ignore him. Depends on whether you’re a glass half-empty or half-full sort of person.

Tyler? He’s a glass half-empty kinda guy. Really, he’s a glass is shattered and there’s water all over the floor kinda guy, but he tries to at least cut himself some slack from time to time.

Donut Friend is crowded, Tyler and the rest of his friends packed around a corner table with their food.

Tyler picks his donut apart, but doesn’t eat very much of it. He leaves the glistening brown pieces on top of the flimsy parchment paper when he excuses himself to the restroom.

He doesn’t have to go to the bathroom, but he sits on the toilet with his head in his hands for a long time.

Splitting this often leaves him exhausted and out of sorts, feeling like he’s just floating through life with nothing to hold onto and nothing holding onto him.

There’s a free museum across from Donut Friend that he could go check out and film while Mark and the rest of them finish their food, but he doesn’t even feel like doing that.

He just sits in the stall staring at the dirty, cracked floor until he hears the door creak open and Mark’s voice echo.

“Ty? We’re getting ready to leave.”

The most Tyler can say for Mark is that he doesn’t make Tyler feel stupid for extricating himself from situations he feels uncomfortable in.

What makes him feel like shit is that he remembers, as they’re saying goodbye (Tyler standing near the car as everyone else hugs and waves), that Mark probably prefers Tyler removing himself from the group because the alternative is Tyler embarrassing him by being a reclusive weirdo in front of his friends.

-

Tyler doesn’t know much about technology, but there’s a new camera he’s had his eye on for a while that he thinks might up the quality of his exterior films.

The first thing he does when he gets home is place an order for one. Nothing like impulse decisions when you’re feeling like a piece of shit, right? Maybe a material item will make him feel better, maybe it won’t. Maybe it’ll make him feel like he’s blown money on something he doesn’t need for a pointless endeavor on the internet that will spoil by the time he’s 25.

Probably the latter.

He brings up the video from the day before, sitting at his desk with his legs tucked neatly under him. In the corner, the tiny gray bell next to his icon has a red number 1 resting on top of it. Pause the video, click the bell. 1 notification from

Tyler balks, grips the armrests of his chair like he’s about to be shot into hyperspace. He has a message in his inbox. It’s from Josh.

Slowly, almost fearfully, he pushes his mouse so that the cursor hovers over the message, then recoils again.

_Josh doesn’t know you exist_ , Tyler tries to tell himself, but the telling doesn’t help.

Because here is a message from the man himself. He reaches out, quickly, and clicks on it.

He reads even quicker, then has to go back and read again, pace himself this time.

_Hi! My name’s Josh, I’m a daily vlogger from Columbus. I came across your channel and saw you were in the Ohio area as well, and I was wondering if you’d be down for meeting up for a collab? I was thinking a challenge video or a sit down talk, but I’m open to suggestions! Thanks for your time._   
_Josh_

Tyler feels like he’s fallen into an alternate dimension, maybe a time loop, one in which he’s worthy of receiving an invitation to collaborate from Joshua Dun.

He stands, goes to his bed, sits, and stands again.

Bent over his desk, chewing hardily on the fingernails of his left hand, he reads the message a third time. Josh Dun, thanking him for his time.

He tries to think of a proper response, paces his room for hours, tries to distract himself with ideas for another video, but continues to find himself back at his desktop re-reading Josh’s message.

Finally, Tyler arrives at what he thinks is a suitable solution.

He closes his inbox and ignores Josh’s message.

-

Tyler goes home for a family dinner on a Wednesday night when the sky is black and purple and rumbling with far off thunder.

“Hi, douchebag,” Zack greets him at the door.

“How ya doin’, fuckface?”

“Can’t complain. Let’s play some Overwatch before dinner.”

Before Tyler can even wipe his shoes on the doormat, Zack is whisking him down to the basement.

“You ever thought about doing game walkthroughs?”

Everyone Tyler is close with knows about his YouTube channel. Zack is arguably the most supportive.

He shrugs, ghosts a Reaper on the opposing team with a Pulse Bomb. “Maybe? I’m not trying to be PewDiePie, though.”

“No, no, obviously not. But you could do like, Overwatch strategies or how to level quickly in Elder Scrolls and stuff like that.”

Tyler’s honestly never thought about it before. He switches to Junkrat on the hero select screen. “For you, little brother, anything.”

Their mother calls them for dinner around 6 and Tyler finds himself at the table sandwiched between Zack and Jay. The purpose of these dinners is for everyone to ‘catch up’ now that Tyler has moved out and with Zack most likely following shortly after he graduates.

“I’ll go first,” Zack volunteers right off the bat, scooping a large helping of mashed potatoes onto his plate. “College sucks and I can’t wait to get the hell out of there.”

“Language,” their mother warns. “And don’t be modest, Zack. Tell Tyler about the program.”

Tyler already has a mouthful of vegetables when he makes a face. He texts Zack almost every day and Zack never mentioned anything about any _program_.

Zack goes pink in the cheeks, sinking down some in his chair. “I got accepted to an engineering program at Kent. Full ride for my master’s.”

“Holy shit.” Tyler chokes on a string bean. “That’s awesome, dude. Congratulations.”

“I guess, if you consider another four years of school awesome.” Zack mimes choking and dying.

Madison takes that as her cue to go, Tyler assuming she connects Zack’s pantomime with her job at the hospital. Then Jay, and then it’s Tyler’s turn.

Before Tyler can even start, however, his father looks gravely at him over the piece of steak dangling from his fork. “You been looking for a job, Ty?”

“I have a job.”

This conversation again.

His father grabs the salt and pepper shakers. He knocks them together and they make a funny little click that sets Tyler’s teeth on edge. “The internet thing, huh?”

The amount of vitriol in his father’s voice makes his stomach roll.

“Chris,” Tyler’s mother chides softly.

Tyler’s father shrugs, heaping mound of salt after mound of salt onto his food. “I’m just saying, Kelly. The boy’s gotta find a real job some time.”

Tyler’s eyes sting and it’s not from the pile of sodium now littering his father’s plate of food. “All that salt’s not doing much for your high blood pressure.”

“Excuse me?” His father half-stands from his chair, and Tyler is very aware of the knife clutched in his hand. He gets that look on his face that he used to when Tyler was a boy.

So Tyler sighs “nothing” as complacently as he can and the rest of the meal is spent in silence.

-

He tries to record a Let’s Play video for Zack, but it’s awkward. Most Let’s Players talk about personal stuff during the loading screens and fight sequences, updates on their daily life and shit like that, but Tyler’s not used to talking that much in his regular videos.

The grainy view screen on the side of his camera captures him rubbing at his eyes and staring perplexedly at his computer as he thinks of what to say so he just turns it off.

Zack will have to wait on the whole walkthrough thing.

-

There’s a slight chill in the air when Mark invites him to Donut Friend again.

A repeat performance and Tyler has found himself outside alone, sitting at one of the metal tables trying to get his life together. It’s hard, though. Obviously. Or else he would have done it already.

Through the frosted windowpane he can see Mark and his friends laughing at their table.

With how cold it’s getting outside, there’s hardly anyone else around Tyler. About once a minute or so someone will walk by.

It’s been a while since he’s recorded a video, so he pulls his camera out. The trees are dying and he’s outside of a donut shop with nothing to do. If he leaves completely Mark will say he was being rude.

Tyler’s never given vlogging a shot, never even really thought about it, but there’s no time like the present.

He holds the camera at arm’s length and hits record. For a second he just sits there and stares, nose starting to burn in the cold air. “Hey, guys,” he eventually says, glances around to make sure he’s still alone, “I normally don’t do this type of thing, but-“

“Way to ignore a guy.”

The voice at his ear catches him so off guard he jumps up and almost drops his camera. Fumbling for it, he recovers in time to turn and see Josh Dun laughing at him, fingers gingerly holding a piece of donut halfway to his mouth.

Tyler feels like his jaw has fallen to his toes. “You’re-“

“Josh. Sent you a message a while ago? Never got an answer?” He pops the remainder of his donut into his mouth and chews in a way that makes Tyler feels like he’s not just joking.

But Tyler’s finding it hard to gather his thoughts, let alone do anything that requires higher motor function. Josh’s hair is so _blue_. “You…there’s…I-“

“Just figured you were too good to collab with me? That your content was too artsy to mix with a daily vlogger’s? Yeah, me too.” Josh gives a derisive snort with a glance down at Tyler’s camera. Then he shakes his head, rolls his eyes, and starts walking in the opposite direction, with a little, “unbelievable.”

“Wait!” Tyler takes an abortive step forward, unsure if he’s willing to chase after Josh or not. Just being in the presence of such greatness has his legs shaking. Thankfully, Josh stops and turns halfway back toward him. “I didn’t know what to say.”

Josh raises one dark eyebrow. “To the message?”

“Y-Yeah. Dude, you’re…the biggest YouTuber from Columbus. And you wanted to collaborate with me.”

“Not to like, be all up my own ass or anything, but…shouldn’t that have made you excited? Most people would be.”

Tyler chuckles darkly and realizes his camera’s still recording. He stops it. “Should have. I’m not most people, though.”

“No, that’s for sure.” Josh looks him up and down once, very quickly. “I’m gonna go.”

For once Josh is alone, not surrounded by the seemingly hundreds of friends who appear in his videos.

“Don’t.” Tyler closes his eyes and grimaces, then opens them again. “I mean, go if you have to. I don’t know if you have plans or something, but…if you’re still open to collaborating, we should.”

Josh tips his chin up, just a bit. “Really?” He doesn’t sound convinced.

“Yes, really.” Tyler tries not to get an attitude, but it’s hard. Mark is watching them through the storefront window.

“Okay.” A long pause. “You were trying to vlog just then, weren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Tyler sighs, face heating up.

Josh gives him a little smile, waves his hand at the street around them. “Pro tip: don’t worry so much about if anyone’s watching.”

“I wasn’t-“

“And don’t lie to me. I do have to be going, though. I’ll message you?”

Tyler nods fervently. “Yes, please do.”

“Cool.” Josh nods and turns again, loping off down the sidewalk.

Tyler watches him until he’s gone and then rubs at his eyes and goes inside.

Mark asks him who he was talking to and Tyler lies, tells some story about this other guy he met through YouTube, one who’s a fan of his channel.

“He wants to collab, so I said sure.”

With a laugh and a little jerk of his head, Mark says, “Just don’t get murdered.”

-

_If you really don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I was just being petty at the restaurant._   
_Josh_

_Of course I want to. What makes you think I don’t?_   
_Tyler_

_Because you ignored my first message?_

_I told you, I didn’t know what to say._

_Alright, alright. I’ll send you my address. What day works for you?_

_Maybe this coming Tuesday?_

_Tight. See you then._

-

Josh lives on the seedier side of town, though you can’t tell by his apartment. Tyler already knows the layout because of how religiously he watches Josh’s vlogs. He acts surprised, though, when he walks forward a bit too fast and his leg collides with the corner of the coffee table.

“You okay?” Josh turns from the doorway and - when Tyler nods - waves him into the bedroom.

They decide on the 7 second challenge and Josh explains the rules to the camera while Tyler sits idly beside him. They’re on Josh’s bed, where Josh has made dozens of Q&A videos, vlogged his mornings, and also masturbated. And probably had sex.

He can see his face turning red on the viewfinder and he has no idea where that thought came from.

Josh challenges him right off the bat to hold his breath for 7 seconds, holds his fingers under Tyler’s nose to make sure he’s not cheating. Tyler challenges Josh to name five dog breeds. Josh asks Tyler to read a line from a book on his bookcase and Tyler tells Josh he has 7 seconds to do 5 push ups.

Josh scrambles up and onto the bed. Tyler should have known it would be easy for him - he’s always working out in his vlogs and he’s way more ripped than Tyler anyway. His elbow brushes Tyler’s side every time he sinks down, muscles flexing, T-shirt stretched across his shoulder blades.

Tyler licks his lips, glances at the camera. He’s not used to this - having someone else with the footage and unable to edit anything himself. Which means if he makes a mistake or does something stupid Josh can do what he wants with that. Josh doesn’t seem like the type of guy to make him look like an idiot, but he also didn’t seem like the type of guy to bitch him out for ignoring a private message.

“Did I make it?” Josh asks, collapsing on the bed.

Tyler nods, a bit shaken. “Yeah. I think you win, man. I can’t even _do_ a pushup.”

When he laughs, Josh’s whole body shakes and the sound fills the room like ringing bells. Tyler knows what Josh looks like when he’s happy, when he’s tired, when he’s stressed, when he’s hungry. On camera. It’s a whole other thing to experience it firsthand.

He’s blushing again, as Josh closes the video.

“…and make sure to subscribe to Tyler - a link to his channel will be in the description box below. Bye, guys!” Before he turns the camera off, he looks at Tyler. “You aren’t subscribed to me.”

Tyler balks. “Come again?”

“I checked my sub list - you aren’t on there. Are my videos not your thing?”

“Well…” Tyler can’t quite meet Josh’s gaze. “…you only upload vlogs, right?”

Josh shrugs. “If it ain’t broke…do you not like my videos?”

“That’s not it.”

“Then what is it?”

“I…” Tyler casts around for an excuse, but can’t find one amongst Josh’s messy sheets or his unruly blue hair.

“You should subscribe.”

With a wry smile, Tyler runs a hand through his hair. “Only if you subscribe to me.”

“Deal.”

Tyler stands very suddenly and puts his jacket on.

“You’re not leaving, are you?” Josh’s dark brows are drawn in close over his eyes. “You can stick around. We can play games or watch Netflix or something. Unless you really do hate me.”

“Would you stop saying that? I don’t hate you.” He pauses with his hands in his pockets. “You don’t have anything to do later?”

“Nope.”

This is a first, from what Tyler can tell. Josh is always doing something with his gazillion friends, even if it’s just hanging out with them and not with Tyler.

But Tyler agrees to stay and to his surprise, Josh doesn’t pull out his camera the rest of the time they’re together. They mostly watch Luke Cage (which Tyler has been dying to see) and Josh makes them pizza bagels. They’re a healthy distance away from each other on Josh’s couch, but Tyler still finds time to glance over and watch Josh’s muscles ripple, sees the way he laughs at every joke, how he rubs a pale hand against his stomach when he’s feeling comfortable.

The pizza bagels taste funny, but Tyler chokes them down anyway, not wanting to be rude. When he leans forward to set his plate on the coffee table, Josh smiles broadly at him. Tyler blushes and sinks back further into his corner of the couch.

Around 6 Josh gets a call and goes into the bathroom to take it. He’s in there for almost 20 minutes and Tyler starts to feel uncomfortable. Making as little noise as possible, he steps into his shoes, throws his jacket back on, and goes to the front door.

“Could at least say goodbye.”

He turns to find Josh leaving the bathroom, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“I have to go.”

“Sure.” Josh nods and crosses his arms. “Can we do this again? I had a lot of fun.”

Tyler shuffles from one foot to the other. “Sure, if you want.”

“I want.”

“Then, yeah. Let’s.”

-

On the walk home Tyler gets a notification that Josh has subscribed to him.

He clicks that little red button right back.

-

The camera Tyler ordered arrives the following day. He spends the better part of the afternoon reading the manual and figuring out how to use it, as well as its functions. He originally bought it for videos he was interested in shooting outside, but it has a setting for a white balance that seems to perfectly complement his bedroom.

So he records the gameplay video Zack wants - an ‘expert’ way to grind levels in Neverwinter. He feels more natural this time, bits of information about himself interspersed with the inane shit he’s spewing about MMO’s. Though - oddly - he doesn’t mention that he collabed with Josh.

Two minutes after the video goes live, he gets a series of texts from Zack.

_Not my fave game bro lol_   
_But still a good video_   
_Overwatch next? :-)_

Tyler responds the same way he’s been responding to Zack’s request for new videos the past three years - _For you, little brother, anything._

-

Josh’s video goes up on a Thursday morning. Three very important things happen after that.

One - Tyler gets an influx of subscribers due to Josh’s credit. Two - most of the comments seem to be positive, which might not seem important to a lot of people, but to extremely self-conscious Tyler Joseph it means a lot that Josh’s subscribers didn’t immediately hate the video and start ripping Tyler to shreds.

Three. As Tyler is scrolling through he sees a comment with over 1,000 likes.

_I SHIP THEM SO MUCH. JOSHLER WILL RISE._

Tyler’s eyebrows levitate to his hairline. What in God’s name? He glances around his room like someone is there who might be able to explain this madness.

After a bit, he takes his mouse and clicks ‘Reply.’ He types:

_I prefer Tysh._

-

_You free soon?_

_Free basically all the time. Why?_

_Wanna make another video. The first one was popular and you know I’m a slut for subs._

_I actually didn’t know that…_   
_Can this one go on my channel?_

_Absolutely._

-

That afternoon, his phone dings with a notification that Josh has mentioned him on Twitter.

_Looks like people ship me and @tylerrjoseph what should our next vid together be?_

Some smartass retweets almost immediately - _The chapstick challenge (;_

Tyler feels his face flame like he’s standing next to the sun. He scrolls down further.

Eventually he and Josh decide to meet Saturday night for a Q&A video, as that’s the most requested (other than the stupid chapstick challenge suggestions). Most of Josh’s subscribers know nothing about Tyler and many of Tyler’s probably have no idea he’s even collabed with Josh yet.

Josh’s vlog that day is entitled ‘MY HAIR IS BLUE AND OTHER FUN STUFF’. Tyler lays in bed watching, twirling his favorite lock of hair between his fingers.

Tyler recognizes the background song as Troye Sivan’s BLUE. He has to roll his eyes, but not for long - his gaze keeps returning to Josh’s face, grinning on his phone screen. He’s back with his many friends, out somewhere Tyler recognizes as Endevin Square, in the heart of Columbus. The blue-haired girl is there, as well as one of Josh’s other tattooed friends and…in the background Tyler thinks he sees Debby a few times.

When he looks closer, he definitely sees her.

Someone in the comments points it out - _anyone see debby @ 3:06? jebby is back._

He can’t possibly finish the video. He wants to throw his phone halfway across the room and never look at it again.

Instead of doing that, without dinner yet again, he sleeps.

-

He thinks about cancelling, about maybe even telling Josh he wants nothing to do with his channel anymore. He should unsubscribe and unfollow him on Twitter and Instagram and just never see him again.

But he remembers that YouTube isn’t just a hobby for him - it’s his job, it enables him to pay bills and buy groceries. And after Zack’s requested playthrough video, he’s been recently lacking in good, original ideas for his own channel.

So he shows up at Josh’s apartment at 7 PM sharp and rings the bell.

Josh answers almost immediately, like he was waiting just beyond the door. “Hi, Tyler.”

“Hey.” Tyler hoists the bag of Chinese food he picked up on the way over. “Got us food.”

“Yum!” Josh takes the bag, beckons Tyler in, and sets the food on his kitchen counter. “We can eat after we film? Unless you’re particularly hungry.”

“Whichever’s good for me.”

Back in Josh’s room, Josh now has two chairs set up along the side of his bed. Must not want Tyler on his bed anymore.

Cool.

“You got your questions?” Josh asks, thumbing through his phone.

“Yeah. Yours?”

As Josh nods and takes his seat, Tyler sets his camera up and then joins him.

He does his own intro this time, introduces Josh, and then lets Josh go first.

“Okay, pretty apt for our first question - how did we meet?”

Tyler looks at the camera with the hint of a smile. “Donut Friend.”

“You were trying to vlog-“

“-and failing.”

“And I came up and asked…” Josh trails off and he and Tyler exchange a look.

“I had actually ignored a message he sent me because I was a little embarrassed.”

“So I asked why he hadn’t replied and yeah. The rest is history. Next question.”

Tyler glances at his phone. “Josh, did you think Tyler’s videos were a bit weird at first? Why did you decide to collab with him?”

“Not at all. I thought they were artsy and beautiful.” Tyler’s stomach does a little flip. “I decided to collab with him because he lived close and I thought we’d get along pretty well.”

There’s a stagnant pause. “Anything else?” Tyler asks.

“I don’t think so.”

“No, please, stroke my ego more.”

“Shut up.” Josh elbows him in the side. “Next question.”

The night wears on like this for about ten more questions each, pausing in the middle only to replace the SD card in Tyler’s camera.

At the end of the session Josh says, with a cheeky little grin at Tyler and then at the camera, “This next one is good. I saved the best for last…what do you think of your fanbase shipping you two?”

“Shipping us where?” Is Tyler’s default response, with a deadeye stare into the camera.

Josh laughs high and loud, but jostles Tyler by the shoulder. “Seriously. What do you think?”

There’s a bracelet of cold sweat around both of Tyler’s wrists. “You go first.”

“Okay…um, I think it’s awesome. We’re not together, obviously, but people picked up on something - some kind of connection, I mean - in just our first video together so I thought that was pretty cool.”

Tyler waits for Josh to go on, but apparently that was his entire answer. He tries to keep it light himself. “Yeah, I don’t have a problem with it. Josh is…really cool so people can ship us and write fanfiction and all that all they want.”

“I think that’s it.” Josh tosses his phone back onto his bed.

“Yup. Um, guys, be sure to check out Josh’s channel. I’ll post a link to it in the description box. Bye.”

“That was so fucking cute.”

Tyler’s rising to turn the camera off when Josh’s sentence barrels into him, knocking him sideways. He stumbles into the windowsill and curses. “W-What?”

“ _They can write fanfic and make super gay edits of us on Tumblr,_ ” Josh mimics, in a high falsetto that sounds nothing like Tyler. Really. It doesn’t.

“Shut up.” Tyler blushes, fingers fumbling to press the power button. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“Mhm,” Josh hums, precedes Tyler into the living room. “ _Nice_. And super gay.”

With no proper response to that, Tyler casts around for something to talk about. His gaze settles on the bag of Chinese food on the counter. “You wanna eat?”

“Oh.” Josh waves a hand and bypasses the food, opens the fridge instead. “It was really nice of you to bring that, but unfortunately I can’t partake. I have Celiac.”

Tyler pauses with a hand halfway into the bag. “What’s that?”

“I’m allergic to gluten. If I eat it, I get sick for…a really long time, basically.” He’s pulled a box of what appear to be veggie burgers from the freezer.

All of a sudden, Josh’s frequent trips to Donut Friend and Veggie Palace make so much sense. As does the odd taste of the pizza bagels from the other night.

Tyler pulls his box of orange chicken from the bag. “Dude, I’ve seen basically all your videos and I didn’t know that.”

“I don’t really advertise it.” Josh shrugs, places his burger into the microwave and hits start. Then he turns to Tyler with a strange expression. “You weren’t subscribed to me until recently, though.”

Breaking his chopsticks apart, Tyler slows his movements to a crawl. “What do you mean?”

“You just said you’ve seen all my videos, but you couldn’t possibly. You just subbed to me the other day.”

“Oh, I…” Mistake. Think of something, anything. “…I watched all your videos between then and now. I really liked them.”

“All 900 some?” Josh sounds skeptical, but Tyler can’t make out if it’s in a good way or a very, very bad way.

“Well, not _all_ of them, obviously.” He chuckles nervously. “Just most of them.”

Josh hums noncommittally and a few minutes later, they’re sat on the couch watching Luke Cage again.

During one of the duller scenes, Tyler slurps up a piece of chicken, chews it, and glances at Josh. “Why didn’t you mention the gluten thing when I first came in?”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were watching my videos all this time?” Josh quips immediately back.

“I wasn’t,” Tyler lies.

Josh sighs. “I didn’t say anything because I…well, it would’ve been rude, right? You spent money out of your own pocket, took time out of your day, to get us both food and I can’t even eat it. Truth be told, I was hoping you’d forget about it and just let me cook for us.”

“No offense, but those pizza bagels tasted nasty the other day.”

Raucous laughter from Josh’s side of the couch. “They were vegan, gluten-free, and low sodium. I’ll warn you next time.”

“Thanks. But it wouldn’t have been rude, just saying. You could have told me about it as soon as I mentioned the food and it would’ve been okay.”

“Thanks, man.” Josh nods, gaze focused completely on Tyler.

He looks like he wants to say something else, but then Luke puts his fist through a stone wall onscreen and Josh averts his gaze back to the TV.

Around 12, Tyler decides to call it a night. He’ll have to get up early and edit the footage if he has any hope of uploading the video tomorrow.

“You sure you don’t wanna stay?” Josh hooks a thumb over his shoulder. “I have a spare room.”

“Um,” Tyler says eloquently. “I’m…I’m good, thanks.”

“No sweat.”

Tyler grabs his things and the food he originally brought for Josh, which is now stone cold. Tyler doesn’t mind, though. He’ll eat it for breakfast tomorrow, steaming hot from 45 solid seconds in the microwave.

“I’ll see you.” He’s turned toward the door, waving back behind himself at Josh.

“Hey, wait.” Josh reaches out, pinches the sleeve of Tyler’s jacket between his thumb and forefinger, and sort of tugs him back. “I had something I wanted to tell you and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way.”

Tyler’s throat feels swollen and he can’t speak.

“I, uh…damn, this is gonna come off wrong. But. You should smile more often in your videos. You’re really handsome when you do.”

It feels like someone has clamped their hand around his neck.

Josh fiddles with the front of his shirt. “Shit, I’m sorry if that’s rude as hell. Or if it’s weird. You don’t _have_ to smile, I mean, obviously, they’re your videos and it’s your life and whatever, but when we film and you smile like you have been-“

His airway seems to unclog and he chokes, “I will. Smile. More often. For you.”

Josh’s face is a blank slate. “Oh.”

“I have to go now,” Tyler breathes, words running together.

He bypasses the elevator and takes the stairs two at a time.

And grins the whole way home.

-

In his room, he unpacks his camera and tries to edit, but his foot keeps tapping and it’s distracting.

He walks around a bit, arms held rigid by his sides. He feels tight, like a bow string held taught along its owner’s cheek.

Blue flashes behind his eyelids, a blinding smile, melting lips telling him he’s handsome.

When he’s this high strung, only one thing is guaranteed to loosen him up.

And when he crawls into bed, stretches out atop the cool sheets, and shoves his briefs down to his thighs, he doesn’t try to think of Josh. But when his mind starts to wander to him, he also doesn’t steer away from Josh either.

The hand around his cock is Josh’s, the voice coaxing him along belongs to Josh. It doesn’t tell him he’s handsome. It tells him he’s beautiful, that he’d be even more beautiful if he came for Josh _c’mon ty you can do it push_.

Tyler’s hand is gripping his hair, then tugging hard at his balls, then back to his hair. He growls and flips over, ripping his shirt and pants the rest of the way off.

He shoves his fingers in his mouth, coating them liberally in his own spit and _yes baby just like that take ‘em deep_ then presses them to his entrance. He should really be using lube, but he’s too impatient to go to his dresser and get it. And anyway the burn as he pushes them in compliments the running commentary in his head better _fuck tyler so tight for me baby so_ wet.

A quiet whimper leaves him and he has to bite his lip to keep silent - Mark is liable to bust in at any moment if he wakes up to Tyler’s sex sounds. Because he’s an asshole like that.

Face pressed against the sheets, he makes a tight ring around his dick with his other hand and starts rocking his hips between his hand and his fingers, sobbing delightedly into the mattress.

_jesus you’re so fucking open i bet you can take more huh?_

Tyler nods at the disembodied voice, pushes a third finger in alongside the first two. This makes him cry out and his cock twitch, cum dripping onto the sheets. He tightens the hand around his cock, brushes his thumb against the sensitive tip and convulses.

His mattress squeaks dangerously loud, but Tyler doesn’t care. Because he’s coming in thick spurts, scissoring his fingers and stretching himself as wide as he can. Tears have sprung at the corners of his eyes and Josh is telling him _you’re such a good boy tyler a prince so beautiful so handsome_.

Tyler keens and collapses in his own cum. He rubs his face against the sheets and suckles on his own fingers, pretending their Josh’s.

-

It’s a hassle washing his sheets the next morning, but it was worth it, in his opinion. While everything’s in the wash, he showers and heats up the leftovers, sits down to start properly editing the Q&A.

He gets a message on YouTube around noon, guesses that it’s from Josh before he even opens it. The thought makes him nervous after last night, until he remembers Josh has no idea that Tyler fucked himself - lasted for all of about 15 minutes, too - thinking about him.

_You. Me. Donut Friend. Today._

_Can’t I at least finish editing our video first?_

_You’re not done yet? Slacker._

_I woke up at 8 and I’ve been working since then. We filmed so much._

_Finish it tomorrow?_

_Don’t you have other friends to hang out with?_

_You would know, wouldn’t you? :)_

_Stop with that. I’m not a stalker._

_Says you. Come on, pretty please? It’ll be funnnnn~_

_U G H. Fine. But if I don’t get this uploaded either today or tomorrow I’m blaming you._

_YAYYYYYY._

After he’s dressed and fixed his hair and changed again (because he wants to impress Josh, as much as he also wants to deny it), he goes to the front door.

Mark, who’s on the couch playing Battlefield, tilts his head. “Where have you been going lately? Didn’t you get in after midnight last night?”

“I did.” He tries to leave, but Mark pipes up again.

“ _So_ , where have you been going so often?”

Tyler turns from the door in annoyance. “I’ve been hanging out with that guy from before. The one who wanted to collab.”

Mark doesn’t watch Tyler’s videos. At least, he doesn’t anymore. And there’s no way Tyler’s going to tell him he’s been hanging out with Josh, unless he wants Mark to tell him he’s taken his stalking to a whole new level or something else equally as shitty.

With another tilt of his head, Mark frowns. “So you’ll hang out with him willingly, but I basically have to beg you to come out and spend time with everyone.”

It’s not a question.

Tyler steps into the hallway. “He asks me to hang out, not the other way around.”

He slams the door as hard as he dares.

-

Donut Friend is the least packed Tyler has ever seen it.

There’s a couple on a date in the front corner and Josh has taken a seat at a booth along the wall.

“Tyler.” He grins and slides from the booth, gathering Tyler in a tight hug. Tyler almost throws up on the back of Josh’s hoodie.

When they sit again, Josh pulls out his vlog camera and pauses. “You don’t mind, do you?”

Tyler shakes his head - this is Josh’s lifestyle, the way he makes money, same as Tyler. And anyway it’s not as awkward as he would have thought, being in Josh’s vlog. He says hi when prompted and watches Josh talk to the camera, gesturing fluidly with his other hand. This is Josh in his element, Tyler realizes. He’s seen it time and time again on his computer screen, but to witness it in person is…well, beautiful.

They order their donuts - Josh gets regular glaze, Tyler raspberry jam and sprinkles - and then decide to go to the park across the street.

It’s freezing as they walk through the park, Josh juggling his donut and the camera. They find a bench near the pond and Tyler, having practically swallowed his donut whole on the way over, offers to hold the camera while Josh eats.

Shakily, he starts to film Josh. “Everyone, this is Josh Dun in his natural habitat.”

Josh smiles, a hand held over his mouth while he chews. “Tyler’s being a good boyfriend and filming while I eat - isn’t he the sweetest?”

A harsh gust of wind blows through them, wracking Tyler’s frame. “Boyfriend, huh?”

“Yeah, aren’t you a fan of Joshler? Or - what’d you call it? Tysh?”

Tyler nods, blushing behind the camera. “Joshler’s growing on me.”

“It better be,” Josh jokes. “I don’t want this to be a one-sided relationship.”

“If you don’t stop teasing me, I’m gonna swap out your disgusting gluten-free pizza bites one day.”

As soon as he’s spoken, he realizes what he’s done wrong. Josh’s voice bounces off the walls of his brain - _I don’t really advertise it._

Tyler lowers the camera, places a hand over the speaker. “Was I not supposed to say that?”

With a flourish of his hands, Josh rids them of the donut crumbs. He shakes his head and swallows the last of his food. “No, dude, it’s totally fine. I’ve never talked about it on my channel before, but…” He trails off, shrugs, then comes back to himself. “Maybe it’s time to be…brave isn’t exactly the word I would use, but maybe I should talk about it more? I dunno.”

Tyler hits stop record anyway and hands Josh back his camera. “Still. I should’ve thought before opening my mouth.”

“Tyler, it’s seriously fine. I’ve actually been thinking about making a video about it, answering questions and stuff like that. Kinda like you did with your…” Josh doesn’t seem to know how to say it.

But Tyler knows exactly what he’s talking about.

“Borderline.”

Tyler hadn’t known Josh had seen that video. He should have guessed, probably, that Josh would at least have seen his most popular one, though.

Josh nods. “Y’know…I don’t mean this to be offensive or ignorant, even though it’s probably - definitely - going to come out that way, but…you don’t seem like you’re…” While Josh struggles for words, Tyler braces himself. “…mentally ill? There are some clues, I guess, but you act normal, for lack of a better word.”

Tyler exhales - that wasn’t as bad as he thought it was going to be. “I can hide it pretty well, I guess?” _Around you_ , he wants to say. “But I can get really fucking moody. I mean, _really_ moody. To the point where no one can talk to me and I just…shut down.”

“You didn’t mention in the video - are you on meds?”

Everyone tells him he should be.

“No. Are you?”

“For Celiac?”

Tyler nods.

“Nope. No cure yet. Just Donut Friend.” Josh laughs and Tyler joins him, hands shoved deep into his pockets.

He’s never talked in depth like this about his BPD to anyone, not even to Zack.

“You’re really brave,” Josh says suddenly. Tyler looks at him and his eyes are piercing. “For making that video.”

Tyler swallows and looks at his shoes, the ones he picked out specially for Josh’s viewing pleasure. “Thanks. You are, too. Your coming out video, I mean.”

Josh doesn’t answer, just nods his head solemnly and continues looking at Tyler.

Quailing under Josh’s gaze, Tyler shivers. “Y’wanna get outta here? It’s freezing.”

Josh nods.

-

He edits the rest of the Q&A video when he gets home, uploads it with the title ‘q&a feat. josh dun.’

The first comment the video receives is from one of Tyler’s most dedicated subscribers - Jenna Joseph. Her comment reads, _YASSSSS BITCH. Y’ALL ARE CUTE._

Someone else replies a few seconds later with _I wonder who tops?_

A blush is crawling up the sides of his neck when he gets a text from Zack - _Your vids with Josh are hilarious, but I’m still waiting on Overwatch, b._

Before he can even reply, his phone dings again with a message on YouTube from Josh - _The video is awesome; your editing style is so cool. Also, I know we just hung out, but I’m getting a group of friends together to play laser tag later. You wanna come?_

Tyler’s body thrums because now he has a choice. The same choice he has when Mark asks him if he’d like to hang out.

He can’t rightly say yes, can he? The thought of all of Josh’s friends, having to converse with them and make small talk and _vying_ for Josh’s attention.

No, thank you.

_I actually can’t today, sorry, dude. Already have plans._

_Damn, that sucks. Next time, though? :D_

_Definitely._

Definitely not.

Tyler can’t be caught dead with Josh’s friends because then Josh will see how fucking miserable he really is.

-

He promised Josh he wouldn’t watch any more Luke Cage without him, but he finishes the series that day, morose and laying in bed all evening.

Around 8 he gets a Snap from Josh, a dimly lit photo of him and all his friends wearing laser tag equipment with the caption YOU SHOULD BE HERE.

_That is the curse of the human race_ , Tyler thinks peevishly. _Sociability._

Maybe he really is an antisocial prick, the way Mark sometimes says he is.

He doesn’t answer, just leaves Josh on seen, turns his phone off, and shoves it under his pillow the rest of the night.

-

In the morning, Josh’s next video is live. It’s the vlog from the day before, entitled ‘DONUTS AND PARK STROLLS. (JOSHLER VLOG #1)’

Assuming, of course, that there will be many more Joshler vlogs to come. There won’t.

He has no less than five messages from Josh sitting in his inbox.

_You should have come tonight - it was really fun!_   
_Dude, I have the biggest bruise from laser tag._   
_Where the hell are youuuu?_   
_I’m about to pass out; I hope you had a nice night._   
_I just uploaded the video and people are already going crazy lol._

One more comes through as he’s reading.

_I miss you._

Tyler thinks about ignoring this message as well, but can’t quite bring himself to.

_Hey, sorry. I fell asleep super early last night. How’s your morning been?_

_Dude. I thought you died or something._   
_My morning was good!_   
_And yours?_

They talk like this for a bit, while Tyler watches Josh’s vlog, the one where he held the camera and watched Josh pick carefully at his donut with long, pale fingers.

The part where Tyler mentioned Josh eating gluten-free cuts seamlessly to Josh in his apartment, talking about going laser tagging, then to Josh and his friends gearing up for the game.

It does indeed look like they had a lot of fun, from the snatches Tyler can see in the dimly lit corridors filled with flashing lights and the sound of pounding feet.

At the very end of the video, as Josh is signing off, sweaty and red in the face from running around, Debby comes out of nowhere and kisses Josh on the cheek. Her hair is a mess and she’s panting, obviously from playing laser tag with Josh and his friends even though she didn’t appear anywhere previously in the vlog. Like Josh was purposely trying to hide her being there.

Tyler can’t help splitting again.

-

_Tyler._

_Hm?_

_You keep disappearing. :(_

_Sorry._

_Are you okay?_

_I’m fine._

_Promise?_

_Yes._

_Do you want me to leave you alone?_

_If you want._

-

Mark wants to know if Tyler wants to go to Donut Friend.

Tyler doesn’t want to chance seeing Josh again.

He sits silently in his room until he hears Mark walk away from the door.

-

He records the Overwatch video Zack wants, doesn’t smile at all.

When he watches the footage back he wants to vomit. He can’t stand seeing himself like this.

But he edits together what he can and uploads it.

A text from Zack comes through ten minutes later.

_Dude, are you okay?_

_No, I’m_

As he’s typing, he gets a private message from Josh on Youtube.

_So you’re too busy to answer my messages, but not too busy to upload whole new videos?_

His answer to both messages is the same.

_It’s none of your business._

-

Tyler doesn’t hear from Josh for a long time after that.

Slowly, he gets back into a regular routine of hanging out with Mark and all his friends, distancing himself from them, and going home with an attitude. Wash, rinse, repeat.

It doesn’t feel good, but it does feel natural. What he’s used to.

He thinks about Josh, of course, but.

But that’s over. No more Joshler, no more collaborations, no more cute dimples and unruly blue hair.

Tyler has, he thinks, ruined one of the best friendships he’s ever had. And for what? Because he was jealous over a guy who wasn’t into him anyway?

_Yes, because that’s how you operate_ , he thinks. _You suck._

As always, the feeling passes. He misses Josh more and more every day, but his pride (or his perpetual self-doubt, what’s the fucking difference) keeps Tyler from contacting him. Until eventually the urge, the countless nights he’s spent humping the bed thinking of Josh, becomes too great.

_Hey._

That first message goes unanswered and Tyler can’t really blame him. After acting like a grade A douche, Josh deserves more from him than hey.

_Sorry. That was stupid. I wanted to check up on you, see how you were doing._

Five hours later, there’s still no response. Josh could be busy, but that’s unlikely. YouTubers are always on their phones - there’s no way he hasn’t seen Tyler’s message. Time to nut up or shut up.

_I really wanted to apologize for my behavior. Some things happened and I’d really like the opportunity to say sorry in person if you want. Let me know?_

Josh doesn’t let him know. Josh never answers any of his messages. Tyler waits two days, hardly eating and now really worried that everything is Over. He’s pissed Josh off so bad that Josh doesn’t even want to talk to him anymore.

He’s shaking all over when he sends the last succession of messages.

_josh please i’m really worried_   
_about you, about us what can i do to make up for it_   
_i’ll do anything_   
_please_

Still no response.

-

“Man, this is the best donut I’ve ever had.”

“You say that every time you come here.”

“Because it’s true. They just keep getting better and better.”

While Mark and his friends debate the quality of their donuts, Tyler looks around. The only reason he agreed to come out today was because he was hoping he’d see Josh here. Donut Friend is his favorite place to eat.

But he’s nowhere in sight.

Trying to be sly, Tyler slides from his stool. Mark and the rest notice, though they barely pause in their conversation. This is just Tyler slinking away to be moody. Nothing new.

Tyler goes to the counter and gives the tall girl with the long blonde hair a little wave.

“Hi! Back for another donut?”

“No, no…I was wondering if you knew a guy who used to come in here? I’ve been here with him before, actually. His name is Josh? He has blue hair and a tattoo on his right arm?”

“Yeah, ‘course I know him! He’s-“

Tyler’s heart leaps. “Personally? I can’t get ahold of him and I was wondering if he’d been in here recently.”

“That’s what I was about to say, actually - I heard he was in the hospital.”

Tyler’s vision goes black for a minute. He has to grip the edge of the counter to keep upright. There’s a guy behind him tapping his foot impatiently.

“Are you okay?” The girl asks, reaching out for him. “Should I call someone?”

“Which hospital?”

“That I don’t know, I’m sorry.”

Without another word, Tyler hightails it out of the place, trying to bring up the Uber app with shaking fingers. Mark’s name appears on his caller ID and he hangs up.

Standing in the frigid air on a corner two blocks away from Donut Friend, he starts Googling and dialing every hospital he knows of, asking for a patient by the name of Josh Dun. Riverside is a no, Mount Carmel nil, Fairfield’s receptionist just laughs at him and hangs up.

Karma for hanging up on Mark, he supposes with a dark sort of humor.

Ohio State asks who’s calling just as Tyler’s Uber pulls up to the curb.

“My name is Tyler Joseph. I’m his…” Tyler doesn’t know if this will hinder or help him, but he has to tell a lie that’s at least somewhat believable. “…I’m his boyfriend.”

A pause. Tyler holds his hand over the receiver and tells his Uber driver the address for Ohio State Medical.

“Mr. Joseph?”

“I’m here.”

“You’ve been cleared for visitation. Sign in when you get here and a nurse will escort you to Mr. Dun’s room.”

After Tyler hangs up, he breathes a sigh of relief and hangs his head between his legs.

“Rough day?” His driver asks.

“You could say that.”

-

The hospital smells like disinfectant and dead skin cells. Clean and dirty all at once.

A nurse with short dark hair greets him with a grim smile after he signs in. They haven’t made it even halfway down the hall, however, when a girl with auburn hair breezes past, purse bouncing at her side, arms held aloft like she’s about to take flight.

She doesn’t notice Tyler, but Tyler notices her.

Debby.

She rounds the corner to the hallway Tyler and the nurse came from and is gone.

Tyler stops because now he doesn’t feel much like rectifying things with Josh. What’s the point if he’s never going to be able to kiss Josh, to take him on dates, to wipe the donut crumbs off from the corner of his mouth?

_What’s the point? You asshole. The point is he’s your friend. Regardless of whether he and Debby are back together or not, you’re going to go into that room and make sure Josh is okay, or so help me God I’ll kick your ass my damn self._

“Fine,” Tyler sighs.

The nurse glances over his shoulder. “Excuse me?”

“Nothing.”

The nurse leaves Tyler at the door.

Josh is in a hospital bed, propped up on a pile of pillows with a juice box in hand. He’s watching something on TV that Tyler can’t see, his face a mask of amusement.

When Josh sees Tyler, the animation drains out of his face. Like his plug has been pulled.

Tyler almost runs away then and there.

“So. My boyfriend, huh?”

“They told you about that?”

Josh just nods, eyebrows raising as he sucks the last of the juice from the carton with a loud slurp.

“I saw Debby in the hall.”

“You’ve never met her, have you?”

Tyler shakes his head, shuffles forward a few feet across the linoleum.

“She’s not really in my videos, so how do you know her name?”

“Oh, I…we talked in the hall.”

The force with which Josh slams the empty juice carton on the side table makes Tyler flinch. “ _Stop_ lying to me, Tyler.”

Tyler watches Josh’s vitals fluctuate on the machine next to the bed. Then he flicks his gaze to Josh’s and doesn’t waver. “I used to stalk you. Before you sent that first message, I had seen every single one of your videos. I saw all the photos you posted on Instagram, all of your Facebook posts, I knew all the people you hung out with. My best friend called me crazy, but I didn’t care. It was like I knew you through your content, even though I didn’t.”

“Why didn’t you subscribe or follow me if you liked what I was posting? And why lie to me?” The tone of Josh’s voice reminds Tyler of the day they met, on the chilly street in front of Donut Friend, under the arching sky God had allocated to that little bit of Ohio, when Josh had been well and truly pissed at being ignored.

Tyler flinches again. “I was jealous.”

“Of _what_?” Now Josh sounds like Tyler couldn’t possibly have anything to be jealous of him for.

A quick roll of his eyes as he grips the railing of Josh’s hospital bed. “Of everything. You had more fans than I did, more friends who seemed to really enjoy your company…people who wanted to be with you. And that…that hurt more than anything. Because so many of them wanted to _be_ with you and you didn’t even know who I was.”

Josh’s eyes narrow. “ _Be_ with me…?”

Thinking that he’d like that conversation to be for another time - if Josh is willing to give him another time - Tyler takes in Josh’s bed. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“ _You_ happened, Tyler.” Josh does not sound apologetic in the slightest. Tyler doesn’t expect him to be. “I was upset when you ignored me and then basically told me to fuck off. So I drank. A lot. And unfortunately, long story short, what I thought was gluten-free beer…wasn’t.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“You should be.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”

“I already am. They set me straight after the first day - they’re just keeping me here now as a precaution, basically.”

Tyler casts around for something, anything, to make this right.

Eventually Josh crosses his arms. “Are we gonna talk about-“

“Not now, not right now. You…” When Tyler says, “you need your rest,” what he really means is _I need time to think about exactly what I want to say to you and exactly how I want to say it so as not to make you hate me for all eternity if you don’t already._

“Here.” There’s a physician’s notepad sitting on the radiator in the corner, so he rips a sheet off, grabs the pen, and scribbles his phone number on it, hands it off to Josh. “I realize we never exchanged numbers. So if you wanna move things off YouTube, text me when you get outta here.”

Josh studies the paper, then Tyler. “The nurses are gonna think it’s weird if my boyfriend leaves so soon…”

Tyler has to laugh at that, shaking his head and daring to reach out and pat Josh’s shoulder. “You need your rest. I promise I’m not leaving because I want to. We both need time, I think.”

“Sure.” Josh nods slowly, turns his head just so that his chin brushes Tyler’s fingers.

“Text me, okay?”

“I will.”

-

Josh texts him two days later. Tyler has his shoes on and is out the door in three minutes.

On his way over, he stops by Donut Friend and picks up two donuts - a regular glaze for Josh, raspberry jam for himself.

He sticks the bag out as soon as Josh has the door open. “A peace offering.”

“Thanks,” Josh sighs and takes it, a sad smile on his face. He waves Tyler in and sets the bag on the coffee table. “Can’t accept this yet, though. Until we talk.”

“Of course.”

Josh heads into his bedroom and Tyler follows. He sinks down on the edge and Tyler tarries for a minute too long. Josh rolls his eyes and pats the bed beside him. “You can sit.”

With a sigh, Tyler sits with one leg hiked up on the bed, the other hanging down beside it, so he can see Josh and talk to him face to face. On Josh’s part, he’s sitting with his hands on his knees, arms held rigidly in front of him. He looks like he’s in pain.

“Are you okay?”

“In what way?”

“Medically.”

“Yeah.” Josh exhales loudly, but this does nothing to change his current posture.

With a little nod of his head, as if to say that’s good, Tyler clears his throat. “Where do you want me to start?”

“How about from the beginning? The very beginning.”

“Okay.” It’s Tyler exhaling this time, twice in quick succession before drawing in a large breath of air. He doesn’t want to lose his nerve. “I found your YouTube channel about two years ago. I had already made my channel, in April of that year. But even though your channel was made a few months later you were already gaining more subscribers than I was.”

“That shouldn’t even matter-“

“But it does. Please, just listen, Josh.”

With an awkward jiggle of his arm, Josh bows his head in Tyler’s direction.

“Thanks. Look, I’m a jealous person, okay? That doesn’t even have anything to do with me having borderline - I’m just a jealous son of a bitch. So, you had amazing videos. I mean, your channel has grown a lot the past few years, but even back then your content was way better than mine. And I was jealous of you, that you were gaining followers faster than I was on every platform. And - being the petty bitch that I am - I didn’t want an excuse for you to have more subs. But your videos were so good that I couldn’t stop watching. So I kept watching them, religiously, without ever subscribing. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah. But you have great content.”

“My videos are good, not great. And I’m fine with that, really. Until I’m not. And then I get jealous. Anyway, when you reached out, after two years of me basically stalking you, I got nervous. That we’d meet and you wouldn’t like me or that you didn’t _really_ like my videos - you were just inviting me over to laugh at me or something crazy like that.”

Josh frowns. “Did I strike you as someone who would do that?”

“No, you didn’t. But…I’m fucked up, all right? My mind makes me think things that aren’t true. It plays tricks on me.”

Josh nods, like he understands. Maybe he does. “So…we met and I was understandably kind of irritated-“

“Pissed off.”

“ _Irritated_ that you had ignored me. But we made that first video and everything was fine, so what happened?”

Tyler balls his hands into fists and bows his head. “It’s called splitting. I didn’t talk about this in the video because it’s _hard_ to talk about. I don’t know how it is for other borderlines, but when I split I basically get moody. And quiet. And I don’t believe that anyone wants to talk to me or be around me. So I take myself away first, before anyone can make me feel like that. I didn’t want to split on you.”

“But you did.”

“Yes. I do it so often to everyone else, it’s almost a daily occurrence. I knew if I acted like that around you you wouldn’t wanna hang out anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Josh’s face is kind, but Tyler can’t believe that. “Do specific things bring it on?”

“Yeah.”

“So what _happened_ , Tyler?”

Tyler raises his hands, presses his palms to his eyes so hard everything goes green. “I can’t say.”

“Please?”

“I…” He shakes his head. He can’t he can’t Josh will think he’s crazy.

Josh’s hand is on his knee. “You can tell me.”

“You went out with Ashley and Brendon and all your other friends and that was bad enough, but Debby was there. And she _kissed_ you. I couldn’t deal with that.”

“But I invited you.”

Tyler screws his eyes shut, feels his head twitching. “That doesn’t matter. I know you like your friends better than me and being there with them would have just made me split. It wouldn’t have been a good time for anyone.”

“I don’t like anyone better than you, Tyler. You’ve become a really good friend and I want to be around you. I swear.”

“But what if I want more than that?”

Wind blows by outside in the pause that follows. Josh licks his lips. “More how?”

“You can forget that. I didn’t mean that.”

“Tyler…” Josh is moving closer and Tyler is moving back even though he doesn’t want to. “Why did it matter whether Debby kissed me or not?”

“Y-You two are back together, right?”

“No.”

“Then why did she kiss you?”

“She’s my friend and she’s affectionate. But why does it matter to _you_ , Tyler?”

“Josh.”

“Do you want to kiss me?”

Tyler whimpers. He doesn’t feel close to splitting, but there’s something else there. Like he’s about to come apart at the seams, stuffing flying everywhere like an old teddy bear some kid is squeezing too hard.

Tyler had brought both feet up on the bed, knees touching his chest, in his move away from Josh. Josh places his hands flat on Tyler’s knees and pushes them apart, sliding easily between them.

“I really did think you hated me. I thought I was too loud for you or too annoying or even that….God, even that you were homophobic.”

“I’m gay,” Tyler rasps, if only because homophobic is never a word he wants to hear in a sentence alongside his name ever again.

“I didn’t know that.”

“I don’t advertise it.”

Josh laughs at the joke, hands brushing up Tyler’s thighs and then back down. Up and down and up and down. “I’m gonna kiss you, Ty. You can tell me if you like it or not.”

Tyler’s breath is coming quick and shallow.

When Josh presses his lips to Tyler’s, it’s dry and warm. Josh’s eyes are closed, but Tyler’s are wide open. He thinks Josh likes it. And he does too.

Josh goes to back away and Tyler grabs him by the front of his shirt, keeping him close. “I _really_ like you,” he whispers into the dead air of Josh’s room.

”I like you, too.” Something happens behind Josh’s eyes. A spark, a glint of gold amongst all that brown. “Lie back.”

Tyler does as he’s told, scrambling out of his jacket and his shirt, fingers stilling on the button of his pants because Josh is sat back on his heels just staring at him. “This is what you meant, right?”

“This is what I meant.”

“Then what are you looking at?”

Josh bites his lip and shifts. “A handsome guy getting undressed for me. It’s fucking hot.”

Tyler’s hands abandon his pants, instead running up his stomach, pulling his shirt up and tweaking both nipples, arching his back as high as he can. For Josh.

Who is growling and vaulting over him, pinning him to the bed by his hips.

“I like when you say that,” Tyler mutters, feeling hot and freezing cold all at once.

“Mm, my handsome boy.” Josh dips his head and mouths at Tyler’s jaw, ruts slowly against him once, twice. “Is it okay if I fuck you?”

With a low moan, Tyler throws his head back, fingers scrabbling at the back of Josh’s shirt.

“I take it that’s a yes.” Josh leans up, tosses his shirt aside. Tyler runs his hands down the pale, pink skin he’s seen hundreds of times before in Josh’s videos - right after he’s stepped out of the shower or finished working out.

“You’re handsome, too, y’know,” he sighs, heels of his palms brushing up and over Josh’s nipples.

Josh shudders beautifully and tugs at Tyler’s shirt, adding it to his after it’s off.

Then he hunkers down over Tyler again, hips working a steady rhythm over Tyler’s jeans.

“J-Josh, please-“

“Not yet. Just like this first.”

It’s too much for Tyler, Josh humping him like they have all the time in the world. He feels spaces opening up inside of him, like a building with rooms he’s never explored.

He hooks his ankles around Josh’s legs and bucks, flips them over so that he’s on top. “I _need_ you to fuck me. Please.” To emphasize his point, he grinds his ass down onto the tent in Josh’s jeans.

Josh growls and flips them once more, palms his way down Tyler’s sides and yanks his pants off without even working on the zipper or the button. It stings Tyler’s thighs and drags his briefs down halfway, so that his cock swings up, curving toward his belly. He goes to wrap a hand around it, but Josh pins his wrist gently to the bed. “That’s mine.”

“Then _hurry up_ ,” Tyler whines, trying and failing to push Josh’s jeans off with his feet.

Josh gets with the picture soon enough, divesting himself of the rest of his clothes and pressing Tyler’s thighs back toward his chest, kissing him so hard his teeth hurt. Into Tyler’s ear he whispers, “You want it like this or on your hands and knees?”

“Likethislikethisplease.”

Another kiss to his jaw, Josh’s hands steady on his waist. “Y’mind if I stretch you on your hands and knees?”

Tyler shakes his head and Josh flips him bodily over. It makes Tyler quake, wobbling up onto his hands and knees, to know that Josh could do whatever he wanted to him right now. But he’s just running a hand down his back, grabbing Tyler’s ass and pulling it apart. A dry finger rasps over his hole and Tyler bends down further, sticking his ass all the way up.

“As much as you want me to stick my dick in you right now, I don’t think you’ll enjoy that as much as you think you will. I’ll be right back.” Josh hops off the bed and starts rummaging in a drawer and Tyler can’t help but to fist his dick quickly a couple times. “What did I tell you? That’s mine.”

“You really need to hurry up, then. Before I fuck myself.”

Back on the bed and between Tyler’s legs, Josh uncaps the lube and drizzles some onto Tyler’s hole. He jumps at how cold it is, but Josh’s hands are there rubbing it in and warming it up. “You do that a lot, Ty? Fucking yourself?”

“Mhm, I lo-ove it.” His voice breaks when Josh presses the first finger in, toes curling in the sheets. “I d-do it all the time.”

“What do you think about when you fuck yourself?”

“You.”

That earns him a bite to one cheek and a second finger. He’s moaning and thrusting his hips forward into nothing. “Jesus. _Please_ , can I touch myself?”

“Not yet,” Josh answers, sound almost clinically bored. He spreads the two fingers he has inside Tyler and clicks his tongue. “You look ready, but I think you can go for one more, hm?”

“No, no, now-“

But Josh is pressing a third finger in alongside the first two, lube slick hand holding his stinging cheek open. “Yeah, baby. You’re tight now, so tight. Gonna feel so good stretched around my dick.”

Tyler’s mouth falls open and a string of nonsense escapes it. He’s pushing back against Josh’s fingers, babbling incoherently.

Josh shushes him and finally - blessedly - removes his fingers. A gentle hand is at Tyler’s waist. “Turn over.”

Tyler does so, taking in a shaky breath and reaching out for Josh once he’s on his back again. Josh joins him immediately, balanced on one hand and stroking himself with the other. This kiss is slow, burning Tyler up from the inside out.

Josh presses himself to Tyler’s hole and Tyler spasms. “Josh.”

“Hm? You want me to stop?”

“No, I…” This is not the time to have this conversation, but if he doesn’t say it now he can’t take back Josh’s dick having been inside him. “I want you to know that I’m gonna get sad. I’m gonna get possessive and jealous and fucking crazy. And I don’t want to put that on you.”

“I can handle it,” Josh says, fingers light on Tyler’s cheek. “I can be here for all of that and I will be.”

Tyler clings to Josh as Josh pushes in. His erection flags a little because okay, Tyler didn’t expect Josh to be _this_ big. But Josh jerks him off with a squirt of lube and Tyler writhes under him, digging his nails into Josh’s arms, his shoulder blades, his hips.

He reaches back at one point and slaps a hand down on Josh’s thigh. Josh groans and puts his hands on Tyler’s shoulders, holds him down and starts thrusting harder into him. “So fucking handsome, baby. You look so good under me, taking my cock so fucking well. You can touch yourself, Ty.”

Tyler does, tugging on his cock and holding onto Josh’s bicep for dear life.

There’s a gasp and a flurry of indigo and Tyler feels Josh’s cum filling him, his head pressed hard to Tyler’s chest. Tyler comes shortly after, bucking under Josh with a quiet mewl.

They catch their breath and Tyler can feel Josh’s cum seeping out of him onto the bed. He swallows with a catch in his throat and Josh glances up with wide eyes. Tyler sees that he came all over his own chest and a bit on Josh’s chin.

His finger shakes as he swipes the mess off and pushes it past Josh’s lips. A low moan reverberates from deep in Josh’s chest and he swirls his tongue around Tyler’s finger, pops off with an obscene sucking sound.

“I want you,” he breathes.

Tyler giggles. “You just had me.”

Josh’s blue hair is everywhere as he shakes his head. “I _want_ you, Tyler. I want your moods and your jealousy, I want trips to Donut Friend and freezing walks in the park, I want to know everything about you.”

Tyler feels hot in his face and neck, but there’s nowhere to hide with Josh over him like this. “I want that, too.” He hopes his voice isn’t as meek as it sounds because he really does want this. If Josh is willing to deal with him, that’s what he wants.

“Good.” Josh pecks him on the lips and rises, rolling off the bed.

“Speaking of Donut Friend, though, I wonder if cum is gluten-free…”

There’s the sound of Josh’s muffled, barking laughter from the bathroom.

-

After Josh has cleaned them both up, he joins Tyler on the bed, gathering him close and tangling their legs.

“Don’t you want your donut?” Tyler asks, but only halfheartedly. He feels exhausted.

“You look like you need sleep more than a donut.” Josh twists and grabs his phone from the nightstand.

With his head nestled on Josh’s shoulder, Tyler’s eyes start to drift closed. But not before he sees Josh open YouTube and scroll down to that reply on Jenna’s comment, the one asking which of them tops.

Josh starts typing.

_I do._

**Author's Note:**

> i have [tumblr](http://vintagetyler.tumblr.com/).


End file.
